I'm sitting in the library at school. This is where i do most of my Blogging. I find it easier to think in here. It's quiet. There is not really anyone around. I can just sit and write and be.
I have realized that i need help. I have realized that i can't do this living thing alone. I can't live my own life by myelf. How sad is that? I'm such a screw up that i can't even liv without messing up royally. I dont know how to get my life back. I mean what do you do when you lose control of everything? Even yourself? I can't seem to get thigs back. Back to how they were. I need myself back. Everyone hates the person i am right now. Even my own mom. Wow, that'll make you feel all warm inside huh? ha. People always think they know me. They think they 'get' what i'm going through. And then when they are going through something they act as though i don't get it. Like i don't feel helpless or anything. Like i enjoy this life. How could i enjoy this? How? I don't think i understand that. I don't know maybe i'm just crazy. Or stupid. Or...I dont know.
I'm about to be leaving for the summer. I'll be gone for a while. Maybe things will be better there. Maybe i wont come back. Do you think i'll come back? should i come back? I dont know. Maybe i shouldn't do anything. Go anywhere. Maybe i should be locked away in a tower. I'm tired of being told how much of a screw up i am. Does she think i don't know? That i don't see my life crumbling away? Maybe she doesn't. Maybe she thinks i'm perfectly happy this way. Little does she know... I'm already dead on the inside.
That happy girl you used to know. The pretty one who had it all. The girl with all the jokes and the pretty hair. The girl who thought she had it all. And had it all figured out. That smart pretty outgoing fun loving crazy happy girl is gone....dead. Lost forever. Never coming back. I don't know where she went. Or why she isn't coming back. All i know is that she used to be me. And now i can't find her.
I put on a pretty face and a fake smile and pretend that all is well. But really it's not. Nothing is ok anymore. I'm dead and i'm taking everyone with me. Misery loves company. right?
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While I can't homestly say that i know everything your going through I can honestly say that I am going throught something similer. Everyone tells me how i'm skrewing up my life when I already know. I don't want my life anymore. I barely beleive in love at this point. But your right, Misary enjoys company. Perhaps if we are misrable together, we can find some kind of happiness or some reason to live?
ReplyDeleteAWWW! Thats sweet Chris. Your right. Everyone goes through something that makes you feel helpless and maybe if all of us hopeless people band together we can find some hope. I'm in if you are!
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