My One And Only Follower....

hey there to my one and only follower so far. Chris. :) You and i have been reading each others blogs religiously and that to me is awesome. I wish i had other followers like you. people who just sat and enjoyed the things i write. after all thats why i write in the first place you know? to intertain people. Do i intertain you my friend? I sure hope so. :)

Well...Idk what happened.

I'm sitting in the library at school. This is where i do most of my Blogging. I find it easier to think in here. It's quiet. There is not really anyone around. I can just sit and write and be.
I have realized that i need help. I have realized that i can't do this living thing alone. I can't live my own life by myelf. How sad is that? I'm such a screw up that i can't even liv without messing up royally. I dont know how to get my life back. I mean what do you do when you lose control of everything? Even yourself? I can't seem to get thigs back. Back to how they were. I need myself back. Everyone hates the person i am right now. Even my own mom. Wow, that'll make you feel all warm inside huh? ha. People always think they know me. They think they 'get' what i'm going through. And then when they are going through something they act as though i don't get it. Like i don't feel helpless or anything. Like i enjoy this life. How could i enjoy this? How? I don't think i understand that. I don't know maybe i'm just crazy. Or stupid. Or...I dont know.
I'm about to be leaving for the summer. I'll be gone for a while. Maybe things will be better there. Maybe i wont come back. Do you think i'll come back? should i come back? I dont know. Maybe i shouldn't do anything. Go anywhere. Maybe i should be locked away in a tower. I'm tired of being told how much of a screw up i am. Does she think i don't know? That i don't see my life crumbling away? Maybe she doesn't. Maybe she thinks i'm perfectly happy this way. Little does she know... I'm already dead on the inside.
That happy girl you used to know. The pretty one who had it all. The girl with all the jokes and the pretty hair. The girl who thought she had it all. And had it all figured out. That smart pretty outgoing fun loving crazy happy girl is gone....dead. Lost forever. Never coming back. I don't know where she went. Or why she isn't coming back. All i know is that she used to be me. And now i can't find her.
I put on a pretty face and a fake smile and pretend that all is well. But really it's not. Nothing is ok anymore. I'm dead and i'm taking everyone with me. Misery loves company. right?

I did it...

Yay!!! I figured out how to make my blog not so gay! lol i love the new layout i hope every... no one who actually reads my blog likes it too. :) lol

Who uses the word 'contact' anyways???

Ugh, its monday, and I'm back at school after the dreaded weekend. At least i only have a week left of this S***! It was kinda a rough weekend. I got the text from that boy. You know, the one im always talking about. Well I've been waiting for him to just say something...anything. And then he did. He did finally say 'something'. Only it wasn't what i wanted him to say after all. Wanna know what he said? Well, Do ya? This is it... "do not contact me".
That was it. That is exactly how it looked on my phone. No capital letters, or punctuation. No "I'm sorry it has to be this way..." nothing. It sucked. But, its wierd because I kept telling him that if he wasn't going to talk to me to at least tell me to leave him alone or something. I guess I never thought that he would actually do it. It's not like him to be mean. Well, not mean to me anyways. I don't know what to make of it. I mean, I'm obviously NOT going to 'contact' him any more, but I mean, come on. A text? really? He can't even talk to me for five minutes about what happened between us? UGH!!!!
So now I'm sitting at school thinking about my S***ty life and how much I can't wait to get away for the summer. This is what my life has finally come to. At least I know where I stand. Ugh! I feel like pooh. On top of all this crap I have a killer stumach ache. I spent all last night laying in my sisters bed moaning in pain. I still feel nauseous. I think I spelled that wrong. But who cares. NOT ME!!!! I think I'm going to puke... Nope just a really nasty burp. Well, imma go now. Bye!

I.F.

Talking about comb-overs and how "no" means yes... interesting conversations. Writing on desks and trying to figure out who gets to clean it up. Writing on each others shoes and  giggling real loud. His shoes dont even match and now they have maroon marker all over the front and sides. He moves his foot and gets an angry face from his girl. I sit here watching and giggling to myself. Its cute ya know.
They know my Erik. And how he isn't talking to me. I think he knows why too. He wont tell me.
Now she is calling him an ass hole, and he's going to get paper towels.... Tyler is here too now. guess imma go. :)

A Photo Phase....

Protect me....

I was looking online and saw this picture and figurd it went along with me pretty well. ha......

Its not from him...

I ditched school on Friday, due to a mental breakdown the size of Canada on Thursday. I spent most of the weekend smoking my life away through a cancer stick, but i loved every minute of my sulking. Losing someone is hard, but getting over them is even harder. My mom is shrinking me on the 20th i think thats this Thursday. It will be nice to talk to someone besides my mom for a change.
Besides the one who has me crying 24/7, there are two other men in my life. One of them wants me to be happy so bad he is willing to give me up if thats what it takes, and the other well, I'm not sure what he really wants. Me, I know he wants me, but I dont know what I want. I want to be happy, whatever that takes. I want to be loved and in love. I want top know that everything will be ok, and i want to believe that.
I walked and talked with my mom pretty much al weekend. I feel bad, she wants to help me so bad, but she doesn't know how. I wish i knew what to tell her. I wish i knew how she could help me. I mean all weekend she just sat across the table looking at me while i cried. I didn't want her to see me that way, but she refused to let me be alone. I texted him. Asked him to pray for me. He said he would, and that was it. I don't understand why i cant just stop texting him. I don't know why i have to make such a fool out of myself, but it's like i cant stop. And even though he isn't texting back i have to try. I feel so stupid.
........ So, what now? Where do I go from here?... I go... wait... i have a text............ its not from him.

Wishes are for little kids and fairy tales...

I talked to the guy i love last night. Things were pretty rough. We were happily together once, but that was short lived thanks to yours truely. He was and is my everything, but i broke his heart. How do you fix something like that? especially when he wants nothing to do with you because you ruined his life. I miss him. So much. I miss the way he looked at me, like there was noone else around. I miss how he took my hand, like he could feel my soul through it. I miss the way he talked to me, like i was the only person on the planet who mattered at all.
I wanted him to change. I needed him to be happier and more spiritual. I needed him to be so many things that i didn't realise what he already was. I didn't realise how vital he was to my being. He seems happy now though. I guess being away from the heartbreaker will do that to you. He believes in God now. Thats something he never did before. He tells me to have faith that i will find somebody. But i dont want anyone else. I want him. I NEED him.
Now look at this. He is fine, living his life, doing what he feels is right. And i am falling to pieces. How does that happen? How could i be so sure about myself and who i am one minute and then so broken and unfixable the next? How did i lose it? What was my breaking point? Losing him, and realising for the first time how perfect he really is. That was it. Thats what broke me.
He doesn't love me anymore. I guess thats what i get huh? I broke him and now its my turn to be broken. I just wish things could go back to the way they used to be. I wish i could stop messing up my life, and the lives of others. I wish my life would just fix itself already. I wish he would love me back. but wishes are for little kids, and fairy tales. Real life doesn't work that way and i suppose i need to just get used to that.

She looks at me

She looks at me scared. she is shaking and hurt. she doesn't know what to do. not anymore. her plan isn't working out so well. her family is freaking out. is it just initial shock? will we ever know? a baby wasn't such a good idea. i think she knows that now. but is it too late to realise it? will the baby make it through her family? or will it be a life never really lived? I will be there to hold her hand. will that be enough? will she fall apart? or will she learn to stand tall? no matter what happens there is a long road ahead. i hope she is ready.

day 1

I.f> class. practically study hall. sitting silently. not talking to anyone. wishing i could run away. people talking loudly. loud and close. GET AWAY FROM ME. i dont want them so close. its almost over. im leaving soon. time for friends. thank god for my saviors. veronica is my savior. she is great. ill see her soon. bells about to ring. here i come veronica...she calls me mamma.